Monday, 22 April 2019

Love & the hunt for Prince Charming (SPOILER ALERT! He doesn't exist unfortunately)

Mainly derived from a young muslim woman finding a suitor is well... merely impossible in some aspects. You scroll on your explore page on instagram or your feed and stumble upon what seems like the entire world is either; getting engaged, married or popping out babies. Whilst you idly sit in bed, (as you have been for the last week or so) days flying by watching your favourite Netflix series and munching on your second packet of flaming hot Cheetos of the day. Then all of a sudden during that transition of the next episode playing you see your; hot-mess Cheetos munching ass reflection staring back at you in the blank screen.. the thought of 'what the f*%** is my life' strikes you yet again.

Yes been there...!

Okay slight exaggeration (and I told you, it's getting a tad wild these days!) speaking from my own experiences and background, marriage was the only purpose for a young girl growing up. As much as my parents encouraged myself to educate and grow in knowledge, it was somewhat for the reason of.. marriage. Which I myself, do not entirely frown upon the idea undisputedly, albeit the love for myself and acknowledging who I am as an individual should have been priority. Principally, if you're going to distribute parts of yourself to your partner; energy, time and the most vulnerable aspects of you. Then shouldn't it be so when you're extensively aware of who YOU are, confident with both your imperfections and perfections? How can you possibly love if you don't cherish that within yourself?

Never taught this during my upbringing, and in no way do I hold my parents responsible for it either. Maybe missing a few pointers, though they did indoctrinate the most essential fundamental of all. To love and how to love. 
My parents love and infatuation with one another assisted in my comprehension of love and being in love possible. In fact, my love and idea of romanticism always directed me towards the unrealistic perception that is portrayed in these Disney movies, films/tv programmes and music from such a young age. Merely because I knew in some form or another love and being in love prevailed, right before my eyes I would witness it amongst my parents.
Like you do when you ten years of age switching on good ol'Cinderella hoping one day "Prince Charming" comes along and to put it in simpler terms.. the shoe fits.. well, your foot. What they disregarded is that it's a whole load of horse shit. Love isn't that easy, f*** finding Prince Charming is more so impracticable. It's unattainable because nevertheless love does exist, prince charming on the other foot (ay the irony!) does not. What does exist you may ask? The RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. I believe incredibly that there is no such thing as perfect; it's wrong to expect perfect from an individual, when you don't even attain the same level of standards yourself.

What does subsist is the right person for you. The way you both gel and compliment one another.

Inadvertently in search, through hope and despair, I ended up finding out the hard way that "Prince Charming" was a load of shite. Whilst experiencing the pain of what felt like an unbreathable, heart wrenching and soul crushing heartbreak a few years a go, it made me reconsider my apprehension on love and marriage entirely. Continuously back and forth on the idea of it, what I was completely missing at the time was I needed to reinstate and establish that love and time into myself.

I was searching for the wrong thing this entire time, in actuality I shouldn't have been seeking to begin with. 

Growing up in a Pakistani household, there is this immense cultural pressure to be married by a certain time or age- the younger the better. As if us women have an expiration date stamped on the back of our necks. A day pass the date, you're going to be sitting on the shelf gathering dust because you're of no interest.
The thought that women were only worthy of marriage and love up until a certain age was infuriating to me. What's not told or shared is that love has no date and neither should marriage. The adversity for a young muslim woman (Pakistani to add) to find the right person and marriage as a whole is increasingly difficult. It's not already exhausting enough to find the right person for you to spend the rest of your life with, then the weight of culture and society plays it's role too.
You're repeatedly told from a young age that boys are not in the equation, as soon as you hit nineteen an age where life truly begins, the auntie-ji's are questioning where the potential husband is hiding. If there is no potential, then they rally up their own; sons, nephews, cousins, the neighbours brother's best friend and the list goes on... In all honesty auntie I am good where I am.

Twenty-four an age where you're nearing to the expiration date, I am constantly asked where Mr. right is lingering. Majority of my friends either married or engaged, makes the questions even more difficult to escape. Slithering away, hiding behind whatever object lies ahead, when an auntie or family friend locks eyes with you because you know what the ultimate nosy ass question they really want to ask.
More often than so, I am forever rambling to my friends about how difficult and complicated it is, to meet the right one these days. Out of slight annoyance of hearing myself babble on about this particular topic for the 100th time, they'll suggest the whole "why don't you try out those marriage events?" I raise an eyebrow at the thought of it, not that there is anything wrong with the concept however, I never thought I ever had to consider finding my partner at a marriage event. My hopeless romantic sorry ass self always romanticised the way I would meet the "one". You know... you both conveniently bump into one another whilst in a supermarket. Whatever was in hand falls to the ground, you both go down to pick it up and in that moment you lock eyes, feeling an instant gravitation towards one another which lights a spark... haha damn I really do live in fairy land!

In all honesty, there is nothing wrong with marriage events or even dating sites for that matter, if anything it seems sensible because you're cutting out the crap and just getting to the point. Will I ever attend one... it's questionable.

For now, I solely believe that the right person is most definitely out there for me, time is the essence, with time he'll make his appearance. There shouldn't be a rush for such decisions, at the end of the day to commit to someone for the rest of your life is not something to be taken lightly. To share you wholeheartedly, bare and open is something so beautiful, which not some average person should be able to attain. Finding that someone who understands that vulnerability and delicacy should be a major considerable asset.
During this period, focussing on oneself and reflecting on my own core beliefs, values and energy is my main priority. I know when that person does find his way towards me, I have an immense amount of love to give but for now I'll invest and project my love towards me and my loved ones. As always.


Monday, 15 April 2019

Outgrowing your own city ...

Born and raised in Manchester, 24 years spent in this tiny ol'city. Friendships and family affairs grew but also deserted me, progressing from primary school up until graduating in university, endured the pain of heartbreak, have loved and lost, explored every nooks and cranny of the city, wined and dined but also experienced the "lovely" afterparty of a dodgy take away, lost myself but also regained acknowledgement of who I was once again, home with nature and the list can go on..

Undoubtedly Manchester will and always be my home and in no way will I reason with that. It's a fact. However, sometimes as you get older you begin to outgrow the things you once profoundly cherished, for instance my love for Edward in twilight. How I never realised that Jacob (Taylor Lautner) was the real hottie is beyond me, in all honesty I just like to slowly sweep *starts looking around and whistling* the whole twilight saga under the rug.. the movies did not do a single justice to the books in my opinion urgh!
Slightly digressing topic there, I have for a while felt I no longer belong in my own city. More or less, bygone my expiration date and it's time for me to trod along, in the hopes I find attachment of home where rain isn't the only forecast to be told. Crazy this may sound to people but it's an undeniable feeling that you can't overpass, it's slowly but surely making it increasingly harder for me to find the spark I once had for my creativity.
The urge for adventure in a town you have explored more than many times can be very exhausting and discouraging. Its almost the feeling of living a real life 'Before I fall' movie, where the main character has to relive a particular scenario of her life until she gets it right. Okay quite the exaggeration (a little too good at it, if I must point out) but who doesn't want to think their life is a movie of such. Whilst the point driven from the context above is that I'm moving towards a life that is repetitive, something I have tried to circumvent from a young age. Hence why I have never grew fond on the whole perception behind working a 9-5.

Others may suggest, considering this ideology a challenge to find new treasures of hidden love within your city. Quite frankly, you do stand corrected with this point, however as a content creator it's required as part of the "job" to seek out those concealed riches of the city you're based in. Spending three years creating content in and around a small city, you begin to fall short and just have this profound longing to seek something new and untouched.

Although, the thought behind packing my bags, saying my farewells and trodding along towards the sunset where the endless possibilities await for me at the horizon. Its. just. not. that. simple.

Well hot damn. NEWS FLASH.

When stumbling on the realisation that it can't be that simple for myself of course, I slowly went through a downward spiral of lost hope. Not that it's the end of the world, however try living in a city which you feel no belonging to. Originally starting this blogging journey through passion and drive, that gradually diminished. Solely for the reason that it was becoming repetitive, visiting the same places once again and this perpetual routine, that I have always tried to eschew.
On the search for an alternative, I thought travelling could do me some good. You may consider this a duh moment but in actual fact there and then I booked tickets to Barcelona. I may not be able to live out the dream of packing my bags and setting foot on a more foreign ground and calling it home as of yet. Besides, who said a temporary fix couldn't do the job!

My momentary four day trip to Barcelona felt like a life time and I savoured every moment of it. It was exactly what I needed, soaking in the unfamiliarity of a city, picturesque views and seeking adventures that longed to be pursued. It was as if taking in a long gasp of fresh air, which ignited my flare for creativity once again.

Loving every single minute of my time there made me come to realise that this needed to be of regularity. To travel is where I'll grow.

I may not be able to carry out my plans of uprooting elsewhere as of yet, Although, I am more than happy to experience and explore the many cultures and the obscurity of ones city or country until that day makes an appearance. If anything it'll better my own understanding of suitability and where I could possibly call my next home.

For now I'll appreciate the town I call home currently. Though, when that time arrives for my feet to firmly set ground on that particular place, my heart will feel that longing sensation of home undoubtedly.

© ModestMira

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