Monday 20 September 2021

self-love and confidence diary

Loving one self is probably one of the hardest journeys to stumble through in life, as humans we have a tendency to self loathe and doubt very easily as if it was programmed in us from birth. We are always so quick to give ourselves that talking down to pet talk instead of uplifting ourselves. You almost think it's a crime, an inhumane act to speak and think nicely about ourselves. If it's not on how our outer self looks, it's our behaviour, thinking, logic and the list continues. 

However, if we don't consider ourselves worthy, then why would or should anyone else? Why is it so hard for us to be kind to ourselves foremost and give ourselves some slack if we are capable of doing that for others?

There are some individuals out there that naturally have self confidence and that inner love, for some it takes a lot more work. This was me. Before going further it's good to point out that there is a fine line between cocky type of confidence and humbled confidence. I am talking more on the lines of being content and understanding of our outer and inner selves. Truly appreciating what God had blessed us with and accepting of who we are as an individual. 

The introverted individual that I am, I was always the one to observe and listen rather than saying my two pence, which isn't always a bad thing but certainly got in the way of boosting my confidence. I use to find it daunting being around people for so many reasons such as; I never thought I had anything of value to say or what I may say will be considered laughable, instead I remained silent and would only listen. Not to mention when speaking up the disconcerting spotlight would be shining on you for those few seconds or minute, I dread the thought of people staring at my nose or features I wasn't quite happy with. Again leaving me with the thought I would be laughable. 

Growing up with an unusual shaped nose didn't help towards my confidence level, the transition from high school into college is where the struggle really began. Feeling very unsettled with the thought of not looking like everyone else with much 'smaller' and 'straight' nose, I would walk around finding ways to cover it. I would only allow people to take pictures with me straight on so no one could witness the abnormality of my side profile. I went as far as covering my side view with my hand if anyone was to sit next to me. Being told that the possibility of marriage would be difficult because of the shape of my nose, or men are only into small noses from family members threw my confidence way out of sight. Thinking about that now is completely ridiculous because firstly who gives a shit if a man doesn't appreciate your uniqueness and secondly marriage isn't the be all. I always believe the right person will love you for who you are and wouldn't want you to change an ounce of yourself. 

Something you may not accept about yourself, another will find it the most beautiful feature that shines through than any other. 

Of course the next best thing popped into mind- a nose job! Not condoning anyone for going ahead with procedures to make them feel more confident, it's whatever makes you happy. However, one of the best decision in life was not going ahead with a rhinoplasty. I went ahead with consultations and planning to get myself in debt just so I could have a nose like everyone else. Until one night I sat on my bed in tears thinking why am I changing something that God had blessed me with, who am I to alter that?

If anything my nose is a symbol of; growth, character, hardships, strength, history and most importantly lessons that I have had to entail through life. Rather than hiding such a powerful statement I should embrace it. 

In the end I didn't go ahead with it, I decided to learn to love this flaw of mine, to nourish and appreciate the unique beauty God had blessed me with. 

Overtime it has also made me realise that there is so much more to life than how we look, inner beauty is what radiates throughout and is portrayed outwardly.  

I have definitely come a long way since then and although those passing thoughts still pass, I shrug it off more often than so because I'm becoming more content with who I am. This is who I am and I will continue to learn and flourish. As you grow older and with age you learn to not care what others may think because believe it or not everyone is so absorbed with their own problems that they don't have time to think and dwell on what you're thinking of at that moment. 

Over the years I have found working on myself, reading self-help books, taking part in courses, do things I enjoy, take a day out to do something out of your routine, learning gratitude and grace has aided towards a better level of confidence. Truly taking a day out of your week to pamper yourself increases better understanding and love towards ourselves. 

I've always been one to enjoy spending time with myself, it's difficult for me to spend a huge amount of time around people this including my most cherished one's (sorry hubby and mama!). This is something I've learnt over time that I need at least 30 minutes in the day just to myself, otherwise I start acting out of character. I need quiet time, a moment to hear my thoughts and the uncontrollable buzzing in my mind. Being with my own energy, body, mind and soul allows me to breathe and to really delve into myself.  

I have always had this trait from a very young age but I'm actually not afraid to be alone. I rather enjoy being in my own company. Even though, I do love the time spent with friends and family, I do love my own company. It's just finding the balance of the company spent.

Embracing a part of us we don't truly want to accept ourselves is not an easy journey, heck it is one of the most strenuous and draining path to entail. However, it is one of the most rewarding and uplifting feeling to absorb. To accept every little nooks and crannies about ourselves and feel confident to go out in this world with it. Self-confidence takes a lot of work, time and patience. We all have our great days and our worst, which is completely in it's normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, tilt that head of yours up, take a deep breath and show the world how exquisites you truly are. 

© ModestMira

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